Connection - our deepest desire and biggest fear

NARM for healing developmental trauma
BODYMIND APROACH TO HEALING 

Neuro Affective Relational Model (NARM) was developed by Laurence Heller, an American psychotherapist and author of the book ‘Healing Developmental Trauma. How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship’. The original title of the book was intended to be ‘Connection - our deepest desire and biggest fear’ And this is what NARM truly is about.

It is an innovative therapeutic approach focused on healing complex trauma and attachment wounds. Rooted in a deep understanding of how early life experiences shape our nervous system, NARM helps us to reconnect with our true selves, promoting resilience and lasting emotional well-being.

Developmental trauma and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD)?

There is a lot of conversation about trauma these days, and sometimes it can be really helpful to take a moment to clearly define the terms that we come across to navigate discussions about trauma better.

Developmental trauma refers to the psychological and emotional damage that occurs during early childhood due to prolonged exposure to adverse experiences such as neglect, abuse, or unstable caregiving. This type of trauma disrupts the normal development of the brain and affects a child’s ability to form healthy attachments, regulate emotions, and develop a secure sense of self. Unlike trauma from a single event, developmental trauma is often chronic and can impact cognitive, social, and emotional functioning well into adulthood, influencing overall mental and physical health.

Complex PTSD, or C-PTSD, is a condition that results from prolonged or repeated exposure to traumatic events, often occurring in situations where escape feels impossible, such as ongoing abuse or neglect. Unlike traditional PTSD, which typically arises from a single traumatic incident, complex PTSD involves a range of symptoms including emotional regulation difficulties, persistent feelings of shame or guilt, and challenges with relationships and self-identity. Individuals with C-PTSD may also experience dissociation, deep-seated feelings of hopelessness, and difficulty trusting others.

Developmental trauma and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) share many similarities, primarily in how prolonged or repeated exposure to trauma affects an individual's emotional and psychological well-being. Both involve disruptions in attachment, difficulties with emotional regulation, and challenges in forming healthy relationships. Symptoms often include intense feelings of shame, guilt, and a pervasive sense of hopelessness. Additionally, both conditions can lead to alterations in self-perception and difficulties with trust and safety, stemming from experiences of sustained adversity during critical developmental periods or chronic trauma exposure.

Lasting effects of trauma

Trauma can leave lasting imprints even long after the events have passed. The body and mind often hold onto deep memories of trauma, carrying a quiet and subtle awareness of past experiences that remain present in our lives, even when we consciously try to move forward and leave those moments behind. This lingering presence can influence our feelings, thoughts, and actions in ways we might not always be conscious of.

There is a deep connection between our emotions and bodily sensations, as our bodies often hold the imprints of past experiences. When working with trauma, we can uncover how our bodies have responded and protected us from adversities, revealing patterns of tension, pain, or numbness in specific areas that are related to emotional wounds.

On the emotional level, trauma can deeply influence our behaviours in ways we might not fully recognise. Even when we consciously strive to change our stress responses and shift how we perceive the world, we often find ourselves repeating similar patterns or we are drawn to familiar situations and relationships. This cycle can leave us feeling stuck and unfulfilled, as the underlying emotional wounds from trauma continue to shape our reactions and choices, making lasting change a challenge.

Addressing core experiences of trauma involves creating a safe and supportive relational environment where individuals feel heard and validated. It requires a compassionate approach that gently uncovers the root causes of pain, allowing for the processing and release of difficult emotions. Through this personalised approach, we can rebuild our sense of trust and resilience, and move beyond trauma toward a place of peace and empowerment.

Neuro-Affective Relational Model (NARM)

I remember the very first day of my NARM studies. I heard the teacher say that the aim of the training is for us to become experts of our inner world so that we could guide our clients to become experts of their own. This profound premise set a compassionate tone for the entire journey, reminding me that true transformation comes from understanding and honouring the complex inner experiences that shape us all.

NARM provides a heartful approach for addressing the difficulties of embodying self-acceptance. It supports reconnection as an antidote to pervasive shame. It doesn’t concentrate on the story itself, the focus isn’t on what happened in the past. Instead, it puts emphasis on how we keep the past alive through the continual use of old strategies we created to survive this difficult time.

By fostering genuine human-to-human interaction between client and therapist, NARM reduces the traditional power dynamic often present in therapy. This approach creates a safe, collaborative environment where clients can feel seen and supported as equals. As a result, NARM facilitates post-traumatic growth by promoting healing and increasing psychobiological capacity, empowering us to better regulate emotions, build resilience, and move forward with greater self-awareness and strength.

Why invest time and effort in working on trauma

Our minds often cling to outdated patterns, especially when it comes to our fears around connection and close relationships. Even though the actual threat might no longer exist, our emotional “software” runs on old programming—defaulting to fear and caution. It is challenging to overcome these ingrained responses. Through gentle, compassionate enquiry, we can gradually update that internal software, allowing ourselves to build healthier, more fulfilling connections without that underlying anxiety holding us back. By recognising and gently releasing these ingrained responses, NARM helps us move beyond survival mode.

Embracing new emotional pathways can feel like giving yourself permission to experience relationships freely and joyfully. It means letting go of old fears and limitations, allowing your heart to open in ways you may not have before. This freedom invites deeper connections, vulnerability, and authentic expression, fostering a space where love and understanding can truly flourish. By choosing to explore these fresh emotional routes, we create room for healing and growth, making each relationship a source of genuine experience.

Uncovering underlying patterns and starting to understand them might feel like coming out of a trance, waking up, or coming home to yourself. It’s the moment when confusion begins to clear, and a sense of clarity gently settles in. This awakening invites you to connect more deeply with yourself and the world around you, fostering healing and growth.

Disconnection from self as a survival strategy

Disconnection from self often serves as a coping strategy for individuals experiencing trauma, functioning as a psychological defense mechanism to shield the mind from overwhelming pain or distress. This detachment can manifest as emotional numbness, dissociation, or a sense of being disconnected from one's own thoughts and feelings. While it may provide temporary relief, allowing us to navigate traumatic experiences without being consumed by them, prolonged disconnection can hinder healing and self-awareness. Reconnecting with oneself in a supportive environment is essential for processing trauma.

Agency

Another important aspect of the NARM approach is self-agency, which serves as a powerful remedy for traumatic experiences of the past by restoring a sense of control and empowerment to individuals who may have felt helpless. When we actively make choices and take actions that reflect our values and desires, it can counteract feelings of victimisation. Regaining agency allows us to rewrite our personal narratives, transforming pain into growth and resilience. This process encourages self-compassion and allows for a deeper connection with one’s own strength, helping to break free from the hold of past trauma and move toward a more hopeful, balanced future.

Intergenerational trauma

Trauma often travels through generations, silently shaping the lives of those who come after. Intergenerational trauma refers to the transmission of the psychological effects of trauma from one generation to the next. This phenomenon occurs when the unresolved pain and stress experienced by one generation impact the emotional and mental well-being of their descendants, often without them fully understanding the source. It can manifest in various ways, including anxiety, depression, and difficulties in forming trusting relationships.

However, this cycle doesn't have to continue. With dedicated effort and compassionate work, healing can be passed forward instead. By addressing and nurturing our own wounds, we create a foundation of strength and resilience that benefits future generations. I believe that breaking the cycle of trauma starts with healing today, so tomorrow can be filled with hope, growth, and well-being.

Post-traumatic growth

Post-traumatic growth often leads to an increased tolerance and capacity for staying present with ourselves, rather than running away from uncomfortable emotions or experiences. It allows us to embrace both positive and negative affects, enabling us to fully engage with the entire spectrum of human experience. This growth also fosters a deeper sense of self-reliance, making us less dependent on external feedback to validate our identity. In this way, post-traumatic growth nurtures resilience and a richer, more authentic connection to who we truly are.

Restoring connection

Restoring connection with our authentic self after trauma is not just beneficial—it's essential. Trauma can disrupt our sense of identity and inner peace, leaving us feeling lost and fragmented. When we reconnect with who we truly are, we regain clarity, and emotional balance. This genuine connection becomes the cornerstone of our healing journey, allowing us to process painful experiences in a way that honours our true feelings and needs.

I believe that working with trauma is foundational to restoring balance and promoting long-term well-being. A conscious, mindful approach helps us acknowledge and process past experiences that may have impacted our emotional and physical health. By understanding our trauma responses, we can release stored tension and cultivate resilience, achieving healing that reaches deeply into the core of our being. Rebuilding trust in ourselves, setting healthy boundaries, and moving forward with self-compassion is achievable. Moreover, it might be a start of life rooted in your authentic self—strong, balanced, and whole.